We focus in this blog on the personal development of inmates. Yet when you have a life sentence, and no way of getting out, it is not hard to imagine that the despair of having to spend ones’ life behind bars gets control.
This is the story of an inmate who at some point in life didn’t see a way out and wanted to end it all. He was discovered in time, but his story is a very impressive one.
“Have you ever had one weeks where absolutely nothing went right? Well it was one of those prison days like any other, except this was the day I had decided to check out of this life for whatever was next. I had finally reach the point of no return. I’m in segregation for the ump-teenth time; I’m in a borderline depression and it is almost Christmas.
I’m looking out of the window at thumb size snow flakes falling, covering everything very quickly. All of a sudden I feel like crying, and as I see my reflection in the window pane I can see tears running down and I feel an overwhelming need to do something, anything at all. It’s not really clear what this need is, but it’s such a strong feeling that it takes me out of the window,and I find myself looking all around this 12-by 16 room with this feeling of a such a strong overwhelming need that i’m looking in every corner and every nook and cranny. I’m searching the shadows so I am not missing anything as I look from top to bottom; brick by brick until I’ve searched the entire room, and the only thing my eyes keep coming back to is weeks worth of old newspapers piled high sitting in a corner of the room. My eyes finally come to rest on these newspapers and I’m wondering if its article there is something I’m suppose to read that I had forgotten to read.
I find myself all at once thinking,”I do not want to live another day!!!!”WHAT”??? “What, are you crazy? What do you mean,”you do not want to live another day? what does that mean? A flash through my subconscious,like a bolt of lighting,”BOOM”…I ask myself ‘what does this mean?’ (just what I said!)”I DO NOTWANTTOLIVEANOTHER”!!!!but what about,(STOP IT).what about what?? This is only about you, its almost Christmas,and I’m so very alone and I just can’t stand the thought of another Christmas alone in this world;”BUT I’M AFRAID to die, !! GOOD. You know the thing I’ve learn about fear over the years? “WHAT”, “You can only be afraid once,”after that there’s nothing to fear but fear ITSELF!!! I remember getting up (as if I was in a trance) gathering the newspapers, ripping them up in shreds, and piling them in front of the door. At this point I’m moving as if I’m in a trance,a zombie,..I look up and I see the razor sitting on the sink calling my name. I get up and over to the razor and I place it on the floor, step on it and break it open. I pick it up just as if this is part of the big plan. I walk back across the room to the bed and look at the blade in my hand. All of a sudden it all becomes clear as if I just woke-up from a dream. I walk over to the shredded newspapers and know just what I must do! I start to set it all on fire – as if I am being guided by a something that I did not know.
I go back to the bed and sit down,and look and listen at the popping as it climbs higher up the door. I pick up the razor, and slash my wrist, straight-up and down the arm. I can feel the heat from the fire and hear it roaring with a force beyond anything I have ever dreamed. I remember looking at the blood pumping out of my wrist with every beat of my heart and it seems to get louder the more I watch. It is banging in my ears so loud that I am forced to look away and that’s when I notice people at the door screaming something bang bang bang before I black out, finally feeling free for the first time in my life..